When There’s Poison In Her Head

When There’s Poison In Her Head

“… And then it began to settle in me, you know, the solemnity of the situation…

“I mean I’m there, right in front of her while she has another of her… attack, and it’s… it’s crushing to see. I feel like… like I’m being gutted like an animal.

“She’s there, right in front of me, roaring and screaming with glittery eyes and a… a body personifying agony like she’s… she’s s.. seizing and… sh… shivering so hard, with her hands flailing vviolently and all – an utterly beautiful disastrous mess, really… Imagine looking… imagine the one you’re madly in love with going through that… Imagine…”

He sniffs and carries on.

“I’m right in front of her… and my heart falls into a pit when I ssee her like that; my throat squeezes shut and I cannot gulp down this this… stupid lump that has formed in it. My legs go weak and I’m… ffeeling like a wreck who’d fall to the floor any second now. Breathing gets hard… I can’t breathe but then it hits me you know. That I have to be strong here, that…  I CAN’T fall apart as well when she’s like that.

“So I manage to breathe in deep and I, with my slightly trembling hands hold her. I hold both of her shoulders and I say, “shh shhh… It’s all okay now,” and I’m surprised that my voice doesn’t shudder. She still screams and tears are gushing down her face and she’s sobbing and pushing me away and I want to hug her so bad but she’s just not… she wouldn’t let me then, I knew.

“So with the same illusory calm voice I ask her to look up into my eyes, and after a couple of times of asking, she does, and I don’t know what she sees but she just stills, stills you know. Her Her features soften slightly and then I’m parting strands of her hair off her face. At the same time I ask her, “look at me and tell me if you think I’ll abandon you, ever?” and she doesn’t say anything but her eyes glare into mine and I think she’s lost… but she’s actually there. I feel a ghost of a nod and I’m, so I’m cupping my palm against her cheek and I rub it softly. She, you know she… hah, she actually leans into my touch and she starts to sob; she becomes demure like a little infant and she… sobs and I’m watching her.

“Next she opens up her eyes and they’re filling up with tears again and I sense her opening her lips to say something irrational again, but before she does that, I grab her face gently, pull it up and her face rises upto mine like smoke from a flame and then we kiss. And there we are… I don’t know, floating over skies… It goes so deep and so sensual and for so long that she’s quivering and I taste her tears in my mouth and you know, then nothing like that. Then it just, stops being a kiss. It’s something more. It’s it’s like I’m pulling out the… all the vile things from inside her – I’m exorcising her – and giving her back her real loving spirit.

“So when we pull back, her eyes are still closed and I can see that she’s tipsy and still reeling from all the sensations and it takes a good part of a minute for her to finally open her eyes and she says, you know what she says? She says, “how do you do that?” and I freaking smile. She’s smiling too and I’m like, God yes! this is my treasure – the best possible kind. And after that you know, I feel that it was all worth it. The pain, the… the the torture of watching her fall apart in shreds. It’s just…”

“Overwhelming?”

“It’s ineffable… It’s all just worth it. Being with her, being the reason for her repair, makes all the pain worth it – no, it makes it nonexistent. As if it wasn’t there. Just… worth it.”

A few second’s pause follows. Then his friend replies, “By God, man. That’s just what it really is. That’s love right there…” then he continues,”well, what happens after that? After the er… heavenly kiss?”

“After that…?” The man sighs, averts his gaze and his friend sees a vague blush creep up his cheeks. He bites his lip and closes his eyes and then turns to him, opens his eyes and the next thing he says, he says in a different, more breathy voice,

“It’s all actually more than worth it, man…”

It’s when he winks that his friend gets it.